Many people have asked me over the past months... "So, what are you doing down there?" Many times, my answer has changed. Most recently, I have found it difficult to answer this question at all, even when I am just reflecting upon it myself.
There are many reasons for this....
One, being that after almost 5 months of being here, I am still not certain what I will be doing for the remainder of my time in Chile. What Lia and I do each day varies greatly, and sometimes we do nothing at all. We have made numerous contacts and have spent time with different organizations, but have found a combination of factors to have acted as road blocks in our efforts to hit the ground running.
We came to Chile at a time of the year when most organizations are in a period of transition. December marks the end of the school year in Chile, and things do not typically pick up again until March. In fact, most organizations and professional workplaces take the entire month of February off to travel and spend time with family and friends. Add to this the change in political ideology that the presidential election may bring (aka everyone might lose funding)... and it's no wonder we haven't been able to become deeply involved in any particular project. Each organization we have met with has wonderful opportunities and is interested in our involvement, but everything is on hold until March.
The other major obstacle that I have discovered in my efforts to take on responsibility is the fact that a Chilean 4 year old probably has a higher competency level in the Spanish language than I do. It is frustrating that my Spanish skills do not accurately reflect my intelligence level or abilities. It is extremely difficult to be made useful, or to take on a challenging aspect of a project when you are not fluent in the language of those you are serving and living with. The positive side of this realization, however, will be my increased level of patience with those who do not speak English once I return to the USA. I would encourage everyone at home to have more patience with those they encounter who do not speak fluent English. Learning a new language takes time and doesn't come as easily as you think it might.
Another challenge has been trying to find the rhythm of life in Chile. It has been much more difficult than I had imagined it would be to adapt to Chilean lifestyle. I am finding my habits from home do not necessarily jive (yes I just used the word "jive") with the habits of most Chileans. For example...
1) I like to go to bed early and wake up before the sun rises. (I blame this on my father, but also feel it is one of the best gifts he could have given me.) Chileans stay up late and frequently schedule activities for when I am already curled up in bed.
2) I like structure and thrive on a set schedule full of responsibility and challenge. The innate structure and hurried pace of life that I have come to so heavily rely on at home is absent in Chile. It seems that the only structure one can rely on is a "fly by the seat of your pants" structure.
3) I don't like to drink very often or much at all. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy red wine and a good draft beer as much as the next person. However, I have found myself in a much better place now that my life does not involve drinking and going out as it did in previous years. The idea of alcohol as a regular or frequent part of life scares me, quite frankly.) Chileans of all ages love drinking, they love partying, they love "el carrete" (the noun they use to refer to partying, drinking, staying up until the early morning being crazy). Also, see #1.
4) I like to run and the value of my day greatly depends on whether or not I have hit the pavement. Most Chileans don't make exercise a priority, let alone schedule daily activities around it, as I do.
More than anything, I think these obstacles have slowed the process of meeting people and forming natural relationships. I typically find friendship amongst those I work with. However, the lack of a set workplace has presented a challenge for me in doing so. I have found it additionally difficult to fully immerse myself in a culture where so many of the social activities are in direct conflict with the things I have to come to rely on for my health and sanity. My inability to express myself does not bode well for finding Chilean friends either. I have been introduced to existing communities where I find some level of support and acceptance, but real relationships are based on natural commonalities and take time to develop. Five months is not forever, but it is certainly a long time to go without feeling like you've formed any real friendships, especially when you are in a new place, far away from all the people you love.
So... if I'm not really working, and I'm not meeting a ton of new friends and having the time of my life... then what am I doing here? I ask myself this question every day.
I came into this volunteer experience knowing that these first months would involve more immersion than actual work or responsibility. However, I had hoped to have a greater sense of purpose and belonging at this point. I have questioned whether I would feel differently had I chosen to work in Chillán or Vilches, and I think I would probably feel the same. I think these same challenges would be present no matter where I had decided to stay. I am still satisfied with my decision to work in Santiago. I still feel this is where I am called to complete my volunteer service.
I posted the definition of hope and balance a few weeks ago, and if I had to tell you what I am doing here right now... it would be just that. I am "hoping" and "finding balance."
I am hoping... to find a combination of projects and organizations to be involved with that will be both purposeful and challenging... that I will feel fulfilled in my work... that I can resign to sit back and let things happen as they may, as the past months of continuous attempts to get involved have not been as fruitful as I had wished... that I will find an opportunity to truly be in service to others. I have hope that I will find peace with myself and with this experience that I have made a 15-month commitment to.
I am finding balance... between a need for structure and the lack of structure that exists where I currently find myself... between my desire to live the reality of the moment, to be present to those around me and my need to plan for the future... between the impulse to hurry on to the next thing I am "supposed" to be doing and the reality of living in a world where everything is a long process... between the relationships I am attempting to build here and those I must nurture and give proper attention to in the states... I am working to find balance between the life I must create for myself in Chile and the life I have at home that continues to change and grow although I am thousands of miles away.
For those of you who know me well, you know that none of this is easy for me. But, I am doing fine, even though most days I feel I am living in the Twilight Zone... and not the good kind with really attractive vampires from Forks. (Yes, I just referenced the Twilight Series. It's ok, my brother read the books so I feel justified in having enjoyed them as well). I had to find some way to challenge myself in all of this, if not intellectually or in my work... then personally.
Hoping, finding balance, and gaining a hell of a lot of personal insight. This is what I am doing here... at least for now.