home

There's a part of me that still can't believe I am living in Chile, that this is my life right now. My brain and body are slightly confused. They are wondering why on Earth I just spent three weeks in the states, only to return to this other crazy place that is not home. I can only reassure them that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. I think.

My trip back to North America was nice and necessary. Most of the stress accumulated from my first 5 months in Chile was washed away in a few moments of spending time with those I love. Three weeks of visiting family and friends all over the USA passed quickly, and it did feel rather odd to be leaving again after such a short visit. I can't lie though... When the day of departure arrived, I was ready to go. Not necessarily back to Chile, but definitely somewhere not Chicagoland, Illinois. I love my family and friends, and I miss them when I'm away. But the reality is this... If I didn't have Chile to escape to, I know I would be looking for someplace else to go.

This restlessness and yearning to get away is nothing new, but it feels a little different this time. It feels more permanent. Maybe I've finally crossed that divide where you stop relying on the default "home" of your youth to bring about warm, fuzzy, safe feelings, and start searching for a new place to settle, a new space in which to exist. I will always love the home of my childhood and I know I can always go back whenever I need to. Right now, though, I think home is in an airport terminal - the one place where I never feel like I should be someone else, somewhere else, doing something other than exactly what I'm doing. I've felt this way for years.

People have started asking me what I'm going to do when my time in Chile is complete... whether I'll move back "home." The answer: I still don't know for sure. It's not really what I want or hope to do. But, I'm bound to change my mind at least 257 times in the next 265 days (plus or minus a few) before I have to get on a plane heading to the next destination of my choosing. I can tell you this... In those moments waiting to board, before the plane departs... I will feel at home.

Next time on... My Latin American Life

"The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when

we find out that something is not what we thought."

(January's quote from my mini calendar of inspiration)

I love this calendar for various reasons. My mom bought it for me. It serves as my daily running log. It is one of 4 ways (Yes, 4!) in which I am keeping track of/counting down my days here in Chile. It also has nifty inspirational quotes that I am finding quite relevant at this time in my life (please see above).

Obviously, I have already scanned ahead through the next 11 months worth of zen photos and inspirational quotes. This is my nature, I want to know what's coming next. The future is my happy place, and I am not ashamed to admit it. To say I find enjoyment in planning my days would be an understatement. You see... keeping track of time in a well-organized manner makes me feel like I am keeping track of my life. It helps me think. It helps me exist. Just ask me to explain how I actually visualize the concept of time... It's a trip, and it involves 3-D construction paper models.

I am fully aware that nothing we plan ever goes as planned, (although I like to ignore this fact quite often) and Chile has been no exception. For as many times as I have tried to take initiative and move this process along - spanglishing my way through phone calls, google-translating emails, and publicly transporting myself to NGOs all over the metropolitan region - my mini calendar of inspiration has been there to holler up at me, "Go ahead, Gretchen... plan away. Just be ready to reevaluate things when real life tosses you on your butt, sticks its tongue out at you, and walks away laughing."

From experience, I know that having expectations only leads to disappointment (Mexico Internship). However, if you go into a situation expecting less than nothing, you'll oftentimes find yourself pleasantly surprised (India Study Abroad). So, I did not come to Chile with any conscious expectations. I had no idea what would occur. But I suppose, like many of us who dream of volunteering abroad, I too have suffered from the subconscious fairy tale vision of myself wandering around some remote, foreign land; wearing a long, flowing hippy skirt; sweating it out in an over-crowded, under-served medical clinic where my help might actually be needed... or even remotely useful!

This is where real life steps in, kindly taps me on the shoulder and says.... "WAKE UP. YOU ARE IN SANTIAGO!" ...

So, I'm here... and I have 11 months left to make of this experience what I can. This is what I intend to do... to keep exploring and not bail out even though I'm not running around barefoot, with my hair in braids, saving indigenous people from mountain lions (I don't think they even have mountain lions in Chile).

Today begins Month 6 of my adventure in South America. What I can tell you about what comes next is that Lia and I will be heading to Buenos Aires on Monday and then a few days later, we will ferry over to Montevideo and then Punta del Diablo in Uruguay. After this, who knows... I can't guarantee much more than that. I am hoping that when March arrives, something good will come from the contacts I've made with organizations working in the area of violence against women. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the next episode of My Latin American Life.

Thought for Today...

There is nothing in life that ice cream, french fries, and running cannot fix... at least for the moment.

Almost 5 months...

Many people have asked me over the past months... "So, what are you doing down there?" Many times, my answer has changed. Most recently, I have found it difficult to answer this question at all, even when I am just reflecting upon it myself.

There are many reasons for this....

One, being that after almost 5 months of being here, I am still not certain what I will be doing for the remainder of my time in Chile. What Lia and I do each day varies greatly, and sometimes we do nothing at all. We have made numerous contacts and have spent time with different organizations, but have found a combination of factors to have acted as road blocks in our efforts to hit the ground running.

We came to Chile at a time of the year when most organizations are in a period of transition. December marks the end of the school year in Chile, and things do not typically pick up again until March. In fact, most organizations and professional workplaces take the entire month of February off to travel and spend time with family and friends. Add to this the change in political ideology that the presidential election may bring (aka everyone might lose funding)... and it's no wonder we haven't been able to become deeply involved in any particular project. Each organization we have met with has wonderful opportunities and is interested in our involvement, but everything is on hold until March.

The other major obstacle that I have discovered in my efforts to take on responsibility is the fact that a Chilean 4 year old probably has a higher competency level in the Spanish language than I do. It is frustrating that my Spanish skills do not accurately reflect my intelligence level or abilities. It is extremely difficult to be made useful, or to take on a challenging aspect of a project when you are not fluent in the language of those you are serving and living with. The positive side of this realization, however, will be my increased level of patience with those who do not speak English once I return to the USA. I would encourage everyone at home to have more patience with those they encounter who do not speak fluent English. Learning a new language takes time and doesn't come as easily as you think it might.

Another challenge has been trying to find the rhythm of life in Chile. It has been much more difficult than I had imagined it would be to adapt to Chilean lifestyle. I am finding my habits from home do not necessarily jive (yes I just used the word "jive") with the habits of most Chileans. For example...

1) I like to go to bed early and wake up before the sun rises. (I blame this on my father, but also feel it is one of the best gifts he could have given me.) Chileans stay up late and frequently schedule activities for when I am already curled up in bed.

2) I like structure and thrive on a set schedule full of responsibility and challenge. The innate structure and hurried pace of life that I have come to so heavily rely on at home is absent in Chile. It seems that the only structure one can rely on is a "fly by the seat of your pants" structure.

3) I don't like to drink very often or much at all. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy red wine and a good draft beer as much as the next person. However, I have found myself in a much better place now that my life does not involve drinking and going out as it did in previous years. The idea of alcohol as a regular or frequent part of life scares me, quite frankly.) Chileans of all ages love drinking, they love partying, they love "el carrete" (the noun they use to refer to partying, drinking, staying up until the early morning being crazy). Also, see #1.

4) I like to run and the value of my day greatly depends on whether or not I have hit the pavement. Most Chileans don't make exercise a priority, let alone schedule daily activities around it, as I do.

More than anything, I think these obstacles have slowed the process of meeting people and forming natural relationships. I typically find friendship amongst those I work with. However, the lack of a set workplace has presented a challenge for me in doing so. I have found it additionally difficult to fully immerse myself in a culture where so many of the social activities are in direct conflict with the things I have to come to rely on for my health and sanity. My inability to express myself does not bode well for finding Chilean friends either. I have been introduced to existing communities where I find some level of support and acceptance, but real relationships are based on natural commonalities and take time to develop. Five months is not forever, but it is certainly a long time to go without feeling like you've formed any real friendships, especially when you are in a new place, far away from all the people you love.

So... if I'm not really working, and I'm not meeting a ton of new friends and having the time of my life... then what am I doing here? I ask myself this question every day.

I came into this volunteer experience knowing that these first months would involve more immersion than actual work or responsibility. However, I had hoped to have a greater sense of purpose and belonging at this point. I have questioned whether I would feel differently had I chosen to work in Chillán or Vilches, and I think I would probably feel the same. I think these same challenges would be present no matter where I had decided to stay. I am still satisfied with my decision to work in Santiago. I still feel this is where I am called to complete my volunteer service.

I posted the definition of hope and balance a few weeks ago, and if I had to tell you what I am doing here right now... it would be just that. I am "hoping" and "finding balance."

I am hoping... to find a combination of projects and organizations to be involved with that will be both purposeful and challenging... that I will feel fulfilled in my work... that I can resign to sit back and let things happen as they may, as the past months of continuous attempts to get involved have not been as fruitful as I had wished... that I will find an opportunity to truly be in service to others. I have hope that I will find peace with myself and with this experience that I have made a 15-month commitment to.

I am finding balance... between a need for structure and the lack of structure that exists where I currently find myself... between my desire to live the reality of the moment, to be present to those around me and my need to plan for the future... between the impulse to hurry on to the next thing I am "supposed" to be doing and the reality of living in a world where everything is a long process... between the relationships I am attempting to build here and those I must nurture and give proper attention to in the states... I am working to find balance between the life I must create for myself in Chile and the life I have at home that continues to change and grow although I am thousands of miles away.

For those of you who know me well, you know that none of this is easy for me. But, I am doing fine, even though most days I feel I am living in the Twilight Zone... and not the good kind with really attractive vampires from Forks. (Yes, I just referenced the Twilight Series. It's ok, my brother read the books so I feel justified in having enjoyed them as well). I had to find some way to challenge myself in all of this, if not intellectually or in my work... then personally.

Hoping, finding balance, and gaining a hell of a lot of personal insight. This is what I am doing here... at least for now.

On my wall...

We received this during our orientation in August back in Pennsylvania, and I've had it posted on my wall since moving into our apartment in Santiago... I read this frequently and am really trying to take to heart its message...

FOR THE TRAVELER

Every time you leave home, another road takes you into a world you were never in.

New strangers on other paths await. New places that have never seen you will startle a little at your entry. Old places that know you well will pretend nothing changed since your last visit.

When you travel, you find yourself alone in a different way, more attentive now to the self you bring along, your more subtle eye watching you abroad; and how what meets you touches that part of the heart that lies low at home.

How you unexpectedly attune to the timbre in some voice, opening a conversation you want to take in to where your longing has pressed hard enough inward, on some unsaid dark, to create a crystal of insight you could not have known you needed to illuminate.

When you travel, a new silence goes with you, and if you listen, you will hear what your heart would love to say.

A journey can become a sacred thing: Make sure, before you go, to take time to bless your going forth, to free your heart of ballast so that the compass of your soul might direct you toward the territories of spirit where you will discover more of your hidden life, and the urgencies that deserve to claim you.

May you travel in an awakened way, gathered wisely into your inner ground; that you may not waste the invitations which wait along the way to transform you.

May you travel safely, arrive refreshed, and live your time away to its fullest; return home more enriched, and free to balance the gift of days which call you.

John O'Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

A Chilean Tale

Story:

Once upon a time, four capable, independent women decided to venture out of the big city of Santiago, and take a day trip to explore the coast. After a quick bus ride through the hills, they found themselves strolling along the lovely beaches of Viña del Mar. They enjoyed the early afternoon sun with sand between their toes, listening to the rhythm of the ocean beating against the shore...

Hunger rumbled in their stomachs and they ventured south towards the port city of Valporaiso for an afternoon meal. Snapping photos of houses stacked upon houses high in the hills surrounding the busy port, the women continued to enjoy the day. They took a funicular up one of the hills to take advantage of the fantastic view of the port from above. After browsing the artisan fair, they ventured away from the tourist attractions to walk through the neighborhoods in the hills.

The sun shone brightly as the women strolled through the winding streets, still gazing out over the crisp, blue water. They had read of the well traveled foot paths that traversed the hills surrounding the port and were hoping to come upon one during their walk. As they rounded a corner, a taxi cab driver stopped and advised them to be careful with the cameras some of the women had swinging from their wrists, implying the presence of those who would be interested in stealing them. The women kindly thanked him for the advice, stowed away their cameras and began their descent towards the center of town, as it was nearing the time they should return to Santiago.

Not thinking much of the warning... as this neighborhood didn't appear quite different than the poor communities the women had been working in throughout their time in Chile, and they knew it was necessary to be careful with themselves and their belongings everywhere they traveled... they continued walking down the serpentine paths.

The women began down what looked to be the last stretch of their adventure in the hills, when another taxi cab driver stopped and offered to take them the rest of the way. He advised them that they were in a dangerous part of town and that it was not safe for them to be walking there. Now, the women were uncertain about whether or not they should believe the taxi cab driver. It was possible he was being honest and indeed they had wandered into a dangerous area. However, he could have simply been trying to make money by frightening them into taking a ride from him. The women were also wary of getting in a vehicle with anyone they didn't know who randomly offered them a ride on the side of the road. The taxi cab driver could have been, himself, or could have taken them directly to the danger he was claiming to be warning them about.

Conundrum.

The women sent the taxi cab driver off, but stopped to talk to two older, Chilean women standing on the corner of the road who had observed the exchange and called out to the women "Ten cuidado." (Be careful.) According to these women, they had wandered into a very dangerous part of town and should not continue to the bottom of the hill by themselves.

The Chilean women's nephew offered to accompany the four capable, independent women to the bottom of the hill, where it would be safe for them to continue on their own again. As they walked, he told them that men will often sit high in the hills, watching for women to walk unaccompanied through the winding roads. These men will then call others who will wait in abandoned buildings and around corners to assault the women as they make their descent down to the center of town. The women were thankful for the women's nephew's presence as they covered the distance of less than 1000 feet to reach the bottom of the hill and were again in a safe area.

The four capable, independent women then took a short bus ride back to Viña del Mar where they listened to music and ate ice cream cones in the central plaza, enjoying the last hours of sunshine before their return to Santiago (where they would live happily ever after, more likely than not).

The end.

Moral of the Story: Regardless of how capable and independent a woman may be... those characteristics may not be useful in a situation of crime and violence. Sometimes it is best to swallow your pride and listen to the warnings of others.

Afterthoughts:

Surprise, surprise... this is a true story, and it occurred yesterday during our day trip to Viña del Mar and Valporaiso. In the end, nothing horrible happened, but the experience was a glaring reminder of how much one needs to be aware of her or his surroundings while exploring an unfamiliar place.

This incident has brought about a number of thoughts I've been tossing around my head for the past day as well...

1) I am disappointed that I put myself in a potentially dangerous situation as a result of my ignorance and default belief that nothing bad will happen to me... I have a tendency to be hyper sensitive to these types of situations, always erring on the side of caution. I trust no one, and at the first hint of danger, I get the heck out of there. Yesterday, traveling with three other women, in the middle of the afternoon, in broad daylight, in an area that didn't make the hair stand up on the back of my neck or give me the heeby jeebies whatsoever... I suppose I let my guard down. I was not looking for those signs of potential danger that I typically look for. Or maybe, I am becoming too accustomed to the surroundings in which I work on a regular basis, not taking seriously the fact that I am not always in a place that is the safe. I also tend to question the warnings and opinions of some of the Chileans we come across... as sometimes it seems they are warning me of things because they think I am incapable of watching out for myself, or because I am not Chilean. This weekend's events, I suppose, are just a reminder to never let my guard down, and to not take offense when people warn me of danger... even if they might be warning me solely because I look like a tourist.

2)Although I am a capable, independent woman... I am still vulnerable to crime and violence. I hate being vulnerable. It frightens me that I could be the victim of a crime... but even more so, it makes me so amazingly angry that a man could physically assault me... completely disregard the fact that I have ownership over my own body and no one else has the right to make decisions about my body, but me. Ugh... sometimes it makes me sick and scares me to death to be a woman. This is sad.

3)We closed the day out with ice cream and music in a safe part of town... but what about the women who do not have the option to so easily walk away from dangerous situations. What about the women who call dangerous neighborhoods home, and don't have someone to accompany them as they go about their daily tasks. Sigh again...

... and life continues to be interesting...

balance.

an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. stability of one's mind or feelings. a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. harmony of design and proportion.